Scaling through obstacles...

 

 "I love you," world's scariest words. Their meaning seems to be long lost millions of ages ago and people use the phrase for formality. Well, not in all cases though, some seem to find love that is greater than that of Romeo & Juliet. Stories vary.

 

Love alone is not enough to keep one going. Personal development is needed. Growing in all aspects. Improving your skills and talents, being a goal getter but, is it that simple to dream and achieve all? Well, let’s find out…

 

DRUMROLLS...

 

Allow me to introduce our strong, ambitious, brave & young lady. I admire her courage & positivity. SkewedCrowns is grateful to have such a priceless jewel share her amazing story on our platform and yes, the world needs courageous people like you. 

***Disclaimer: - no real names used, for sensitive reasons.

💕 Briefing about yourself, goals and love life 

I had so many things planned out as I was growing up and I wanted to become a medical doctor in some way. Life happened and in form 3 I found myself in a class that didn't have sciences. I was so disappointed, but; I did not give up. The following year, I passed and dang I went for A level where I failed so badly. During that time, I remember wanting to be an accountant but, as the results came, I was a devastated. I decided not to rewrite. I ended up going to university and did a diploma in Science Education, which I never thought I would ever do in my life. I just told myself that in life there is always a starting point. That alone gave me strength to keep going.

Relationship wise I am at a point where I am like yes, I would love to be married and have a family of my own one day, but it’s not really a priority for me because of my past encounters. I am just putting everything in the hands of God and let Him be in control of this one as well.

 

💕 Views on love & relationships

My views on love and relationships might be a bit biased because of my own personal experiences but here is what I think. Relationships always require communication and understanding of the other person be it in a romantic relationship or in friendship or family relationships. As for love my view is that you do not have to be in a romantic relationship just for the sake of saying I have a boyfriend, or I have a girlfriend and also just for the sake of saying I want to have fun or have someone tell me sweet words to suite your soul.

The reason why we are having so many divorces and many unwanted pregnancies and unhealthy relationships is because people are just jumping into romantic relationships without purpose. Before getting into a relationship ask yourself why you want the relationship. Also ask yourself why you like the person. Be sure that it’s not just infatuation or a crush. Also be sure that you are getting into this relationship. The only thing that romantic relationships are meant for is marriage. Do not waste people’s time if you are not ready for commitment. Before entering into a relationship pray to God about it and make him the base. You have to know the qualities that you want the other person to have more like a wish-list in order to avoid regrets later.

Be sure you are ready to share your time with that person. The most important thing in love is being able to communicate and being able to listen to another person. You should be able to compromise sometimes. Be in a relationship only if you think that one day it might lead to marriage not for fun, but; do not make marriage an important goal of your life. Yes, marriage might be important but whilst you are waiting for that just prepare yourself and also develop yourself.

 

💕 What transpired & how you overcame 

Generally, I faced so many challenges in life. They were times I felt like giving up and there are still times when I feel like giving up, but I always remind myself that giving up is never an option. I also tell myself that when I am tired, I should rest and then continue when I have the strength to. When we are about to give up, something big will be about to happen.

After completing my studies at the university, I got a job at a school working under School Developing Committee. I experienced challenges when it came to pay day, my salary always came in late. There was a time when others got a salary increment yet I did not get any. When I tried to inquire, no one really wanted to answer me. Probably it was because I was young, and it was my first year of experience; excluding teaching practice which I did during my school era. Pathetic, isn't it? I prayed God, asking why. I just continued and told myself it was better than nothing and that kept me going. Towards the year ending, I decided of moving. I wanted a new place and new environment. I wanted fairness.

Luckily, I had all paper procedures with the government and respectable unions. I applied everywhere, where I qualified of cause. Local, international... I told myself that God had something in store for me. I got admitted late that year at two schools in two different countries. One of them wanted volunteers, which I turned down. The other one wanted missionary teachers, but they would only get a monthly allowance. I had the two interviews and I remember the first interview I was really nervous and felt I had ruined it. The Human Resource personnel of that school called me a week later informing me about the second interview. It was mentioned that they were interviewing other people for this same post. After the second interview, I had no faith in me. I was called two days prior to the fortnight they promised. Lo & behold, I was the perfect candidate for the job.

The preparations started immediately, and a lot was going on, I thought I would not make it, but God saw me through. It took two months for everything to be prepared; my visa papers got lost at one point but that didn't stop me. I ended up getting the visa and moving to a new country and new job. I arrived in a foreign land where I knew no one and three weeks later COVID-19 lockdown commenced. In all this, I learnt that God is the only one who can help us when no one can, He hears and answers our prayers when we least expect it. I had no money for the visa and ticket, but God provided. He placed the rightful people along my way who made it happen and here I am in a new place with a job. God is for everyone, and He is always faithful. That is what I learnt in all this.

Relationship wise, I haven’t been really lucky. I had my first boyfriend after A level, and we dated for a year and a half then broke up. I stayed a year and some months without a dating anyone. I later got another boyfriend in varsity whom I loved so much but again, it did not work out so well and he ended up cheating on me. As I was contemplating on writing my A Level again, I found myself in a long-distance relationship after the guy went to varsity. A week later after my birthday, I discovered a post on Facebook of his newfound love, which had me crushed. I learned that he had even visited me, such audacity... I was heartbroken at that tender age and innocently prayed for healing and for God to allow me to move on.

I moved on with my life, accidentally went in the same class with his newfound lover, though I wasn’t informed. He decided to keep it a secret even during our university vacation. All was well and we talked daily during vacation then a week before we went for our last semester. Just before attachment Sam went mute on me. I was worried so I decided to call and ask why, but dang, I was just told that I am okay, all was well. I felt stupid on that call because I has been given one-word answers and I felt like I was forcing him to talk. A week after school resumption, we went to back to varsity. We met on the first day, but; he was already with his new girlfriend, and I did not know they were dating. He just ignored me and walked past as if we never met before, can you imagine? Hahaha, this was painful because we had the same circle of friends, weird right? Assuming we met, he would greet all the other people and talk to them, but it was like I was invisible😂😂😂.

 

This was the worst experience ever because we had lectures together. I later realised that I was played. I was hurt, though; I couldn’t question. We never talked about the break-up; it just happened. And I remember crying and praying to God. I managed to stay talking to the girl like we normally would because I didn’t want to act psycho. Also, she was not at fault, because probably he had asked her out and she liked him, so they dated. That kept me going that semester. 😂😂😂 Later on I had a crush on a guy who had been my friend and we were really close even during my first relationship which lasted a year and a half. I thought we liked each other because we would always be together and do things together. We met when I was doing a part-time job before I went to varsity, and he was on attachment.

 

He would come and get me after work, we would walk home together. This friendship was very confusing for me. I was not sure of what was happening. We literally had days when we would just say sweet nothings to each other and all and this gave me mixed feelings. I literally saw everything I prayed for in this guy and thought one day he would ask me out which never happened. You know when people think you are dating someone and start talking about the two of you. This is what was happening. Our friends and some of our family members would always ask if we were dating but it was a no always because we were not, but; that just made things worse for me. Hahaha, I spent some time stuck on this guy which was so wrong and did not move on because I had hope that one day maybe we would date😅. However, we later realized that I was in some way related to this guy and I had to suppress all the feelings I had for him.

 

I also had to wake up from my dream because this friend of mine who was now my relative had a girlfriend. I just had to start seeing that he was not the one for me because he never asked me out. One thing I learnt from this relationship is that “never have false hope, it destroys us in the inside without us not seeing it.” It’s also not good to expect someone to like you in the same way you like them. Also never wait for a guy to be ready because if they don’t like you in a romantic way then you can never change that. As girls, that is one of the things that I think sometimes we don’t realise when we have all these false hopes and feel a certain way about people, we are close to. I had to pray to God, but this did not go away easily, I must admit.

I later on got into a relationship for the wrong reasons after my attachment with a guy I liked. I thought this would help me move on from my crush and all, but it did not. I dated this guy and he always had one complain or the other about me. He would compare me with his ex, and I always felt angry when this happened. Please do not compare people with other people you once dated. This guy ended up cheating on me with a part one student. I once had seen them together and heard people talking about them and asked the guy, but he always said she was a friend and she friend liked him, haha. Damn, I believed him, and we continued dating up until I found texts on his phone one day, when he asked me to respond to messages because he was busy doing some assignments. My life got shattered. I needed a breather, LOL. I just stood up and said I had to go for a lecture which I didn’t have😄😄😄😄😄.

 

I went away, later on after I had calmed down, I send a message just to let him know I knew about the babe and stuff. He also had gone for some sporting activities with his chick the previous weekend😃😃😃. Imagine… It was too much to handle. For a moment I thought of approaching the lady, but I realised it was not worth it. I did not want this kind of drama in my life, so I just let go & this was the end. He tried explaining and he wanted us to get back together but I was tired of being fooled. P.S: I do not stay where I am not wanted. If someone cheats on me that is enough message to tell me they do not love me and I am not good enough, so I easily let go.

 

After this particular one, I told myself I would not get into a relationship before I have completely healed. It was time to focus on me. We finished varsity and I moved back to my hometown. The following year, I got a job at the school I had done my attachment. People always teased me because they had never seen me with any guy, they would always want to know if I had one, but I always told them I did not😂 The year went by and then in June I started dating someone who worked at this school part-time and had another career. This guy had been one of the people I talked to when I did my attachment at the school and we just kept in touch even after I went back to school but, I never knew he liked me. He was really organized, which is one of the things I liked most about him. We started dating and then he introduced me to his aunt and some of his friends. All was going so well with us, but the only problem was that he was always busy and would not make time for me. I tried talking about it, but it was pointless. One day I visited a friend of mine & he offered to come take me home since he was in the same neighbourhood. Hahaha, I was waited long enough before he showed up. My friend kept on saying that he was probably with another woman which I shoved in the drain. I kept on calling and he showed up an hour later.

Then he passed us and went and parked at some house that we could see, he went inside the house and showed up some minutes after and came to where we were. Funny, right? I was so angry, but I just ignored and did not ask questions. A month later he could not make time to see me even during holidays. He would say I am coming on this day and never showed up. Excuses is all I got. I chose to not think about it. One day we met in town, I noticed he had a picture of some chick on his phone as his wallpaper, which I questioned not. Schools resumed. My cousin came and wanted to meet up with my boyfriend, he made us wait for three hours. I kept on calling until a feminine voice answered then he said he was on his way. Weird right? 🤣🤣🤣. I told him he was not obliged to come in the first place and having me turned down was better than keeping me waiting. Can you imagine, he only spent fifteen minutes before hasting where only God knows after receiving a phone call from a certain lady. He left without a goodbye. Honestly, I had never been so embarrassed in my life😂😂😂. I was so angry😄😄😄.

 

I followed him. He said the person who called was from work and they had been buying stuff for the place, so he had to go and get her. I went back to my cousin, and we just decided to go home and carried on with our plans of going out at night, with him excluded. I also sent him a message a few minutes after he left that it was OVER, which he did not respond.  I had never taken alcoholic beverages because I am a Christian and I do not like it. I also do not like dating guys who drink. This particular night I found myself drunk for the first time... LOL. I am so embarrassed of myself even now. The following day, Sunday, I had to go back to work for I stayed in the school hostels and had duties so I could not be home the entire day. There I met his best friend, Shawn, who started asking me why I had ended things. I told him that if his friend was serious, he should have explained himself and also responded to my text which he never did. That just showed me that he did not care.

 

Shawn was just like you need to give him time to figure out things. Monday was awkward, we met, did not talk, LOL. I met his aunt later on she kept on asking me about him and how we were doing & I had to tell her it was over🤣🤣🤣 I had a friend who asked him about us, and he told her that he had a girlfriend. I was so hurt😁😁😁. His aunt called checking up on me & confirmed he was getting married and had gone for introductions to the lady’s place and she had met the ‘angel.’ She was telling me all this so that I should stop stressing and move on. Hahaha, again I was so hurt. I got a chance to talk to him, then he told me that he did not respond to my text as he thought I was not the one that had written it. As if it was my cousin’s text😀😀😀. “Ndakayita hasha yuhwi’ simply means I was angered to the core, massive anger/wrath. Then he said, “I love you but, I have a busy life and I have a lot of work to do & hardly have time to date someone (hahaha). I want us to be friends LOL.” I lost it… I just told him that he was giving excuses and was never serious. He was prideful because he had everything going so well. Ego.... I just said its okay. I was hurt. Imagine after introductions to someone’s aunt and then other people you think that maybe you are going somewhere not knowing you mean absolutely nothing to that person. I was hurt to the core.

Within a month I lost weight. I remember people asking me if all was ok. I would just say I’m fine. I had to see my ex daily at work and it wasn’t easy moving on. I always remembered what my pastor always said that sometimes when we are with the wrong people in relationships, we overlook the important things and small things they do. That give us ideas whether they are the right ones or not. I told myself that God has a better person for me, and I should stop worrying. Three months down the line, I got better and managed to close that chapter of my life. Now after this. I then got the opportunity in a new country and decided to leave. He was coming back saying all these sweet things. He was saying, “Let’s get back together. I care for you and still love you.” He is not yet married until now and when I asked him; he claims not to ready for commitment. I had to come to a point where I was honest with him and told him to focus on his girlfriend and stop messaging or looking for me even calling me because I was not ready for dating someone who hurt me. I was not ready for the dramas, I deserve to be treated better not to be second-hand machine. This really hit me hard because I loved him but, I had to stand my ground.

In this I told myself I would never date an ex and tolerate or befriend them because this leads to temptations that we may never be able to overcome. I wrote down things I now want in a guy recently. I also told myself that I am not going to date just for the sake of dating and if ever I decide to be in a relationship it’s going to be a serious one and I will make it clear to the guy. Now I have been single for quite some time. I am happily single and preparing myself before I get into the next relationship. In this waiting period I have been praying a lot. I do not count marriage as one of the important things in my life right now. It is not a goal for me anymore. I just pray that when the right person comes God gives me a sign and by that time, I will be ready. I have had a lot of people ask me when I will get married, but; I tell them that I have no plan of getting married anytime soon because I still need time to find myself and learn more about myself. After all, I just realised that happiness does not come from being in a relationship, also love is not guaranteed. Just because you are with someone doesn’t mean you will end up getting married and living happily ever after.

Sometimes these relationships are for us to learn. They teach us what is important and what is not. With all these I have learnt to be strong and to not be discouraged. I also learnt that God made me strong through all these and his Word kept me going; in fact, it does every single day. Mid-twenties, most girls would be thinking about marriage and be in relationships but for me I am so happy being single and not worried about marriage. I am just saying let God’s will be done and when the right person comes God will show me. I am not searching but I am preparing myself for when the time comes. I have been reading a lot on single period and relationships and I have learnt a lot of things that I did not know before. My mindset and perception to life has changed too.

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💕 Advice to the younger generation

For ladies, my advice is that you so not have to wait for a guy to be ready for a relationship and give yourself hope that one day maybe he will like you and you might date. A guy that loves you will make it clear/make his intentions known to you. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. You can never force a guy to love you. That is why divorces are happening because some people got married when they were not ready, or they were forced because of pregnancies and the likes.

 

To men, my advice is only asking out a lady when you are truly sure of how you feel. To everyone, I think people start by liking each other and you grow to love with time, try to be faithful to each other. This is one of the things that is causing break-ups and divorces. People start saying he is now boring… this and that. If you feel the relationship isn’t going anywhere; end it. Cheating is never an option. Have rules and boundaries in relationships before marriage. Do not be pressurized to do things. Set principles and make it clear to the other person of what you want & hate. Also try not to sexualise everything in a relationship before marriage. If possible, make it a no sex before marriage kind of relationship. Don’t be confused with this unrealistic generation.

💕 Comments/compliments...

I learnt that you should not be afraid of taking risks. We all have the ability and potential to become what we want. Do not be limited by background or anything. Do what you know best and strive to be better every single day. Do not be afraid of falling in love. Know what you want and be careful whom you fall in love with. We all find love in different ways and have different stories; so, never compare yourself to other people. Be sure to make right choices.

Relationship wise, I also would say when you are in one, be the best partner you can be and meet halfway; that way, things will definitely work. As for goals, do not compare yourself with others, for chance and opportunity is given to you seasonally. We are given opportunities in different times and areas. Some people just get them easily while others strive to reach the top. Just wish to do better and always focus on that. Just know that whatever you go through; they are people who have gone through the worst and survived, so just don’t give up easily.

 

In all that you do remember that God knew you before you were there, and He has the power to redirect your path. All we have to do is tell him what we want and ask Him for guidance. Also, sometimes it’s better to write things down and have plans for your life. That way you are always reminded to keep focused. When you get a good opportunity give it your best.

Don’t be someone who does not have a direction and you just go where the wind says go. Have your own life besides your partner’s life. Your life should not revolve around them. You should have your own circle of friends besides his and have your own things besides his or hers. Have things that you do alone without them. Sometimes that space and freedom is needed so that the other person does not feel like they are too special, and you cannot have your own life apart from them. That is all, I think.

 

Thank you